“Do your work for six years; but in the seventh, go into solitude or among strangers, so that the memory of your friends does not hinder you from being what you have become.”
- Leo Szilard

2009 was a time of deep reflection for me, a year of turning inward. My winter blues lasted a very long time, but when I emerged from it I was looking at the seven year anniversary of my Dad’s death, planting flowers and feeling a deeper peace with that loss than I’d ever known. Which was lucky timing, because after a very sunny and enlightening summer with my husband and kids that included an amazing 37th birthday, a new understanding of family, and an even deeper commitment to our radical unschooling path and pursuing a better relationship with my children, my mother died. Beginning the work of coming to terms with that and struggling through those first months of grief took up the rest of the year pretty completely.

January

November Was White, December Was Grey – Say Hi to Your Mom
“Well, someday soon
When the spring brings the sun
I’ll finally sleep, I’ll finally
feel better when the winter’s gone”

Your Ex-Lover is Dead – Stars
“I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say”

February

Après Moi – Regina Spektor
“Fevral dostat chernil i plakat,
Pisat o Fevrale navzryd,
Poka grohochushaya slyakot
Vesnoyu chornoyu gorit.”

From a poem by Boris Pasternak, a rough translation:
“February. Get ink, shed tears.
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing,
While torrential slush that roars
Burns in the blackness of the spring.”

March

Dear Prudence – The Beatles
“Dear Prudence open up your eyes
Dear Prudence see the sunny skies”

April

Daddy’s Gone – Glasvegas
“I won’t be the lonely one
sitting on my own and sad
forget your Da, he’s gone”

The Big Bang Theory – Barenaked Ladies
“Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang!”

May

Fake It – Seether
“And just fake it, if you’re out of direction.
Fake it, if you don’t belong here.”

Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2 – Pink Floyd
“We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it’s just another brick in the wall.”

June

Be OK – Ingrid Michaelson
“Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts”

July

Birthday – The Beatles
“You say it’s your birthday
Well it’s my birthday too, yeah
You say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time”

C is for Cookie – The Cookie Monster
“Cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C.”

August

Bad Things – Jace Everett
“I don’t know what you’ve done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.”

Teeth – Lady Gaga
“The truth is sexy.”

The Flowers – Regina Spektor
“The flowers you gave me are rotting and still I refuse to throw them away.
Some of the bulbs never opened quite fully
They might so I’m waiting and staying awake.
Things I have loved I’m allowed to keep
I’ll never know if I go to sleep.”

September

Mamma Mia – Meryl Streep
“Mamma Mia
Here I go again
My, my, how can I resist ya?”

No Surprises – Radiohead
“No alarms and no surprises,
Silent”

October

Never is a Promise – Fiona Apple
“You’ll say you understand
You’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what
To believe in
You won’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise
And I’ll never need a lie”

Circle of Friends – Edie Brickell
“And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I’m by myself it’s
the best way to be.
When I’m all alone it’s
the best way to be.
When I’m by myself
nobody else can say goodbye.”

November

Why Do They Leave? – Ryan Adams
“Oh, why do they leave?
On the day that you needed them the most”

(Don’t Fear) The Reaper – Alana Davis
“We’ll be able to fly…don’t fear the reaper
Baby I’m your man…
Valentine is done”

December

Breathe Me – Sia
“I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me”

Grey Room – Damien Rice
“Because nothing is lost
It’s just frozen in frost.”

Cover design by Kelly Buchholz. Photographs also by Kelly: spiderweb outside the front door and random house from the window of the car passing by on I-5. Title “Searching for Spock” is a play off of the third Star Trek movie as a celebration of spirituality, science and long term geekdom. “You know I live to be seen through” is a lyric from the song “Here is a Heart” by Jenny Owen Youngs. “Live through this and you won’t look back” is a lyric from the song “Your Ex-Lover is Dead” by Stars.

I have a tradition of creating a music mix to represent my life for each year as it passes, songs carefully chosen for important events or the specific moods of each month. I like this habit, this looking back and assessing from such an unusual angle. I skim through old emails, blog posts and calendar entries to jar my memory, and I’ve been at this for long enough now that I also try to keep a running list throughout the year as I live it of songs that I think might fit in somewhere.

Unfortunately I was a little distracted by other projects in early ’09, so I didn’t get around to doing the mix for 2008 until now. (2009 will be posted later in the week.)

So this is the musical soundtrack for my life in 2008. (That’s two years ago, kids – some of you have a hard time following it when I make jumps that far into the past.) 2008 was a big year for me, filled with a hell of a lot of growth and revelation in directions both inward and outward. There were big changes for me spiritually, and our homelife and the way we approached the education of our children shifted in a really big way. I also met a lot of people that year, all of whom influenced me greatly in one way or another, and some became very dear friends. My marriage deepened in a profound way, and I watched my kids begin to try their wings out in the world. I felt a lot of peace in 2008, a lot of quiet interspersed with upheaval, but always of a productive kind.

Zora Neale Hurston wrote that “there are years that ask questions and years that answer.” 2008 was an answer to a million questions I’d been asking for years.

January

Across the Universe – Fiona Apple
“Nothing’s gonna change my world.”

February

Eet – Regina Spektor
“You spend half of your life trying to fall behind.
You’re using your headphones to drown out your mind.”

Amy Hit the Atmosphere – Counting Crows
“If I could make it rain today
And wash away this sunny day down to the gutter, I would”

March

Shine – Anna Nalick
“Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are?”

April

Lost? – Coldplay
“I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Oh and I’m just waiting ’til the shine wears off.”

One More Time With Feeling – Regina Spektor
“You thought by now you’d be
So much better than you are
You thought by now they’d see
That you have come so far
And the pride inside their eyes
Would synchronize into a love you’ve never known
So much more than you’ve been shown.”

May

I See Spiders When I Close My Eyes – Boy Least Likely To
“I’ve got nothing to worry about,
So I worry about nothing.
I think I’ve got fleas or
some tropical disease
And my spider-sense is tingling.”

Exactly – Amy Steinberg
“When I try to fight or run
I only wind up back at square one
When I think I know what’s best for me
fate, she takes me back
to exactly where I need to be.”

June

At the Bottom of Everything – Bright Eyes
“Oh my morning’s coming back
The whole world’s waking up
All the city buses swimming past
I’m happy just because
I found out I am really no one.”

July

Super Trooper – Abba
“Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won’t feel blue
Like I always do
‘Cause somewhere in the crowd there’s you.”

Teenagers – My Chemical Romance
“They say: those teenagers scare the living shit out of me”

August

Boats and Birds – Gregory and the Hawk
“If you be my star
I’ll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine.”

Hazy – Rosi Golan (featuring William Fitzsimmons)
“What if I fall and hurt myself?
Would you know how to fix me
What if I went and lost myself?
Would you know where to find me
If I forgot who I am,
Would you please remind me, oh?
Cause without you things go hazy.”

Closer – Nine Inch Nails
“Help me; I broke apart my insides
Help me; I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me; the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself.”

September

Dear God – XTC
“And all the people that you made in your image, see them fighting
In the street ’cause they can’t make opinions meet about God,
I can’t believe in you.”

Blue Lips – Regina Spektor
“He stumbled into faith and thought,
‘God, this is all there is?’
The pictures in his mind arose,
And began to breathe.
And no one saw, and no one heard.
They just followed the lead.
The pictures in his mind arose,
And began to breed.”

October

I’m So Special – Amy Steinberg
“I’m so special, just like everyone else
and I’m centered so perfectly around myself
get me out of me, I’m such a fuckin’ pain in my ass.”

San Francisco – Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
“If you’re going to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.”

November

Creep – Ingrid Michaelson
“But I’m a creep,
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here.”

Frankenstein – Aimee Mann
“And when later we find that the thing we devised
Has the villagers clamouring for it’s demise
We will have to admit the futility of
Trying to make something more of this jerry-built love
And you’ll notice it bears a resemblance to
Everything I imagined I wanted from you
But at least it’s my own creation
And it’s better than real
It’s a real imitation”

Runs in the Family – Amanda Palmer
“Me? Well, I’m well. Well, I mean I’m in hell. Well, I still have my health
(at least that’s what they tell me)
If wellness is this, what in hell’s name is sickness?
But business is business
and business
runs in the family, we tend to bruise easily
bad in the blood. I’m telling you ‘cause
I just want you to know me
know me and my family
we’re wonderful folks but
don’t get too close to me ‘cause you might knock me up”

December

Incomplete – Alanis Morisette
“I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete.”

How Far We’ve Come – Matchbox Twenty
“I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we’re gonna find out
Let’s see how far we’ve come.”

cover design by Kelly Buchholz, photograph taken by Kelly Buchholz out the window of a boat passing by Alcatraz. Title “You Are Here” from a famous t-shirt worn by John Lennon, chosen for a general feeling of Zen. “Not waving but drowning” comes from a poem by Stevie Smith. “Not all those who wander are lost” comes from a poem by J.R.R. Tolkien that features in the Lord of the Rings.

Usually when I’m writing I prefer silence – a rare and precious commodity around my house. My second choice is usually instrumental, because I typically find lyrics distracting when I’m trying to summon words of my own. But I think maybe this year I was already in the mode of mixtape making (I try to make a keepsake CD to represent the highs and lows of each year as it’s passing, and have recently been working to assemble both a belated 2008 and 2009) when NaNoWriMo came along, because for the first time I’ve found myself stumbling into a variety of songs that seem to mesh well with my story and will occasionally even inspire it as I’m listening and writing. I’ve assembled thirteen of these songs here:

1. As the World Falls Down – David Bowie
I’ll paint you mornings of gold
I’ll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we’re strangers till now
We’re choosing the path between the stars
I’ll lay my love between the stars

2. Christmas Time is Here – A Fine Frenzy
Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year

3. Clementine – Elliot Smith
You drank yourself into slow-mo
Made an angel in the snow
You did anything to pass the time
And keep that song out of your mind
Oh my darling Clementine

4. Don’t Fear the Reaper – Alana Davis
Came the last night of sadness
And it was clear she couldn’t go on
Then the door was open and the wind appeared
The candles blew then disappeared
The curtains flew then he appeared…saying don’t be afraid

5. I Don’t Feel So Well – Vienna Teng
I thought that you should know
That I don’t feel so well
I thought that you should know before you fall

6. In the Dark – Poets & Pornstars
Don’t get lost in here

7. My Boy Builds Coffins – Florence and the Machine
My boy builds coffins he makes them all day
But it’s not just for work and it isn’t for play
He’s made one for himself
One for me too
One of these days he’ll make one for you

8. O Death – Jen Titus
My name is Death
and the end is here

9. San Francisco – Ingrid Michaelson
A jumper is what they’ll name you
Just another jumper, not the first
When you’re broken
You can’t tell them where it hurts

10. Such Great Heights – Iron & Wine
They will see us waving from such great heights
“Come down now,” they’ll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
“Come down now,” but we’ll stay

11. Superman’s Song – Lucy Wainwright Roche
But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes
In dirty old phonebooths till his work was through
And nothing to do but go on home

12. Welcome to the Black Parade – My Chemical Romance
When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said, “Son when you grow up,
would you be the savior of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?”

13. Within You – David Bowie
How you turned my world, you precious thing
You starve and near exhaust me
Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for you
I move the stars for no one

You can listen to these from the player over there in the sidebar, or you can go here to listen to them and a few others from Babyshambles, The Police, and The Presets among others.

Every January I have a tradition – since it’s a time that I tend to be feeling rather introspective and retrospective anyway – of making a mixCD that represents the year before. I go through old emails I’ve sent, the blog entries and pictures, trying to get an overview of it all before I put it to bed. I like to think (or maybe it’s pretend) that this helps me to get a better grasp on the form of my life, a way of seeing the forest and the trees, at least in a glimpse.

I choose songs that seem to reflect what was happening – losses and gains, significant achievements and obsessions. Moods. I generally shoot for at least one song to represent each month, but there are no hard and fast rules. I also generally try to use an eclectic mix of music, but that doesn’t always work, either. The main goal is to let the year shape the music, and with any luck when I’m done, what I’ll have is something that I can pop in the CD player (or whatever we’ve converted to by then) when I’m 80 and have a fast track ticket back to my 2007.

So, better late than never, here it is. My 2007 in music.

Vindicated – Dashboard Confessional (click links for listening and/or downloading options)
This is a mellow little indie tune, wry and hopeful. What I couldn’t know at the time, but hindsight made clear, is that the lesson of 2007 would be about accepting my own imperfections, and recognizing that flaws are often what give us our charm.

…I am captivated, I am
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I’m right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself…

February

Doomsday – Murray Gold
A gorgeous instrumental with such an emotional crescendo that it will move you even if you don’t know (and are too cold-hearted and secretly evil to care) that this is when the Doctor lost Rose in the second season of Doctor Who.

March

Aside – The Weakerthans
The next three songs are all about my running playlist, and my determination to get healthier. This was – ahem – kinda my theme song. Another mellow indie song, but peppy.

…And I’m leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I’m losing all those stupid games
That I swore I’d never play
But it almost feels okay…

This Girl is Taking Bets – Thea Gilmore

…This girl is a black eye, she’s a bruise on your knee
She’s the ashes of the people that you really meant to be
This girl’s the resurrection she’s the comeback
She’s the absinthe and whiskey; she is poetry and prozac…

Vertigo – U2
When you feel like an idiot huffing and puffing around the neighborhood park, Bono can always make it better. Or maybe it’s just me.

Lights go down, it’s dark
The jungle is your head can’t rule your heart
I’m feeling so much stronger than I thought
Your eyes are wide
And though your soul, it can’t be bought
your mind can wander…

April
I saw a Damien Rice concert in April, which was my own version of a spiritual experience and very nearly led to the eschewing of all my worldly goods in favor of following the man around the globe taking care of his shoes or something. If he ever starts a cult, I’m first in line.

Volcano (Live at Union Chapel) – Damien Rice
Like most of his music, this is raw, emotional, slightly crude, folksy but powerful.

…What I give to you is just what I’m going through
This is nothing new, no, no just another phase of finding
what I really need
is what makes me bleed…

May was largely uneventful.

June

Korobushka – Mikhail Smirnov and Ensemble Barynya
I wrote the play 2.5 Children for Script Frenzy. It was the writing project I was least prepared for and/or interested in, and thus far, it worked out the best for me. This is a traditional Russian ditty, referenced in the play. (Act I, Scene 8)

July
This is always a big month in our family, with birthdays and visits and reunions and all.

Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson
I also quit smoking.

…I want to change the world, instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.
But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing, now…

End of an Era – Oliver Boyd & the Remembralls
And (sniff) read the last Harry Potter book. If you care about Harry at all, try this song. It’s amazing. (And contains no spoilers.) It always makes my eyes prickle. Acoustic. Pretty.

…I know it’s only a story but
For so many it’s more than that
It’s a world all on it’s own
Where we want to put on that sorting hat

And I will miss the train ride in
And the pranks pulled by the twins
And though it’s nowhere I have been
I’ll keep on smiling from the times I had with them…

Harry Potter – Harry and the Potters
And to offset, a short, funny song. I’d call it pop/punk.

Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter.
Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter.
Voldemort. Voldemort. Dumbledore.
Ron.

Sneaky Snake – Tom T. Hall
Old style folk country and a huge blast from my past – this was my favorite song when I was about 4 or 5. Which might explain why I grew up understanding that snakes are really very sweet and just want some root beer. In July, in the midst of the most terrible joke of a family reunion you could possibly imagine, my older brother caught us a pet garter snake, Nagini. Nagini doesn’t drink root beer, but he’s still the sweetest widdle snakey in the world.

Boys and girls take warning
If you go near the lake
Keep your eyes wide open
And look for sneaky snake
Now maybe you won’t see him
And maybe you won’t hear
But he’ll sneak up behind you
And drink all your root beer…

August
Hurt. A lot. See last month, with the quitting smoking thing. I spent a lot of this month wearing my iPod, letting music soothe the pain.

Let Go – Frou Frou
Very dreamy and surreal song, sounds fantastic on headphones when everything hurts. And who doesn’t want to be reminded that there is beauty in our lowest moments, when we’re reduced to our smallest crumbly selves?

…Excuse me, too busy, you’re writing your tragedy
these mishaps you bubble wrap
when you’ve no idea what you’re like
so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for?
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown…

September

You Are My Sunshine – Screeching Weasel
Enter Sunny the Hamster, a present for my daughter’s 10th birthday. The song is a punkified version of the old standard.

…You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away…

October

Fuck Off Song – Reel Big Fish
This song has swear words in it. No, really. A lot of them. But it’s cute and kind of upbeat.

Well, first of all, I’d like to say fuck off…

Walk Like a Zombie – The Horrorpops
I used this in the credits of the zombie video the kids and I put together. Very funky and fun song. Nothing like standing by your man, even if he’s a little off.

…And you want a mountaintop
with a little castle
And you wanna name our kids
Morticia and Fester
And all the flowers you bring are always dead
And you howl at the moon
But I don’t care…

November

Everyday I Write the Book – Elvis Costello
NaNoWriMo – my attempt to recreate a huge raging writing success like the one that I had back in June with the script writing. Instead I wound up with a 50,000 word hot mess, but I had a complete blast with one of my dearest friends, and we will always have Jeremy. (Kristy is planning on doing Script Frenzy with me next month, so you might see some new sad little comics from me soon.)

…Don’t tell me you don’t know the difference
Between a lover and a fighter
With my pen and my electric typewriter
Even in a perfect world where everyone was equal
I’d still own the film rights and be working on the sequel…

December

Boulevard of Broken Songs – Dean Gray (Green Day vs Oasis vs Travis, etc.)
I usually like the idea of mash-ups more than the reality of them, but this is one time where I feel like for the most part, this song is superior to most of the songs included, left on their own. I know, I know – bold words. It’s just my opinion.

…My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now…

Ave Maria – Gregorian Chants
Probably not the Ave Maria you’re expecting. In 2007 I pledged to say 365 rosaries in honor of my father, who had passed away 5 years before. He was raised Catholic, a little lapsed around the edges by the time I came along. I was worried about his eternal soul, plus I missed him. I made my goal.

The People Who Raised Me – Gregory and the Hawk

I’ve been the wild one
I’ve run through the streets and I’ve suffered
I’ve been the quiet one
sequestered and smothered
but I won’t mind no time spent to save me
just trying to be good to the people who raised me…

Instructions – Neil Gaiman
Generally I try to end my mixCDs with a song that looks to the year ahead, and gives me a sort of mantra or goal for it. This time we’re going with a poem by Neil Gaiman who is so amazing they have yet to invent a word that can truly encompass his amazingness, but if they ever do, it will turn out to have been him that invented it. This poem is meant to be a series of instructions for what to do should you ever find yourself in a fairy tale, but really – it’s just a list of advice on living, isn’t it?

…If an eagle gives you a feather, keep it safe.
Remember: that giants sleep too soundly; that
witches are often betrayed by their appetites;
dragons have one soft spot, somewhere, always;
hearts can be well-hidden,
and you betray them with your tongue….

I’ve had a tradition the last few years that in January I look back over the year that has just passed, and I put together a music CD. Songs that will remind me of the journey I’ve just taken, a sort of soundtrack to my life. The truth is it’s such a vanity project that it kind of makes me cringe, but at the same time it’s proven terribly therapeutic. I’ve noticed that while I’m reviewing the recent past, looking at the highlights and slumps, I can see things with a fresh perspective and often the arc of the path I’ve followed becomes clear.

I was a little disheartened with how mellow this mix turned out to be, but being honest, despite many wonderful happenings, last year was pretty mellow and occasionally very melancholy for me. Realizing this has made me more determined than ever to stay positive and proactive this year, especially against the Winter Blahs that I always seem to fall prey to in January and February.

So without further adieu, I present my 2006, in music.

Just Drawn that Way
Life is around you and in you

January
1 Rootless Tree – Damien Rice
What I want from us is empty our minds.
But we fake, we fuss, and fracture the times.
We go blind when we needed to see.
And this leans on me, like a rootless…*
*This song, from my favorite potty-mouthed Irish singer, is not work friendly.

The last remnants of anger that I’d been working through were still pretty apparent at the beginning of the year. My mother also stopped speaking to me. Again.

2 By Myself – Linkin Park
Cause I can’t hold on but I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself

This is also a great song for vacuuming. Maybe it’s just me.

February
3 California Dreamin – Mamas and the Papas
All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray
I’ve been for a walk on a winter’s day
If I didn’t tell her I could leave today
California dreamin’ on such a winter’s day

In 2005 I’d rounded out my February with my first trip to San Francisco. In 2006 I was really wishing that could be the case again. Strangely, this is also a good song for vacuuming.

4 In the Sun – Michael Stipe
I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
‘Cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need

Despite the fact that I was, admittedly, full of self-pity during this part of the year, there was some healing going on as well. In 2005 a long term friendship, one that I had believed would last forever, came to an end. At this point in 2006 I finally found some peace with that, and this song helped me to come to that place where the hurt and anger fade away so that the happier memories can slowly begin to resurface.

March
5 Over my Head (Cable Car) – The Fray
I’d rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who’s still standing when it clears
Everybody knows I’m in over my head, over my head

More self-pity.

6 I Hate Everyone – Get Set Go
All the people on the street, I hate you all
And the people that I meet, I hate you all
And the people that I know, I hate you all
And the people that I don’t, I hate you all
Oh, I hate you all*
*Again with the not work friendly.

But I still had a sense of humor about it most of the time. Don’t let the lyrics fool you, this is a very fun, bouncy song.

7 I Wish I Was the Moon – Neko Case
Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I’ve freezing hands and bloodless veins
As numb as I’ve become
I’m so tired, I wish I was the moon tonight

A beautiful, achy song that I was wallowing in quite a bit this year. Feeling overwhelmed and a little lost.

April
8 Golden Slumbers/Carry that Weight/The End – The Beatles
Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home

My father died four years earlier in April. So I was missing him.

10 Hallelujah – Rufus Wainwright
Maybe there’s a God above
and all I ever learned from love
is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

This is at the top of my all time favorite songs. It’s sad, yes, but very beautiful, and when I listen to it I feel like it seeps into the cracks inside, fills them in for a while.

May
11 I’m Movin’ On – Rascal Flatts
I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
for once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame
trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

Finally some light, some peace, some acceptance. And still a little bit of struggle, but in the right direction.

12 The Great Beyond – R.E.M.
I’m pushing an elephant up the stairs
I’m tossing up punchlines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground
I’m breaking through
I’m bending spoons
I’m keeping flowers in full bloom
I’m looking for answers from the great beyond

June
13 Eyes Can’t See – Lovehammers
My eyes can’t see
what is wrong with me

Technically, this song is about the difficulty of a long distance relationship. I just put it on here for fun, because this is the month I started wearing glasses.

July
14 Don’t Panic – Lukas Rossi
“We live in a beautiful world”

See? I wasn’t wallowing in self-pity all year. Just half of it.

15 Time After Time – Dilana
Sometimes you picture me
I’m walking too far ahead
You call out to me
I can’t hear what you’ve said
You say, “Go slow, I fall behind.”
The second hand unwinds
If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you I will be waiting
Time after time

This is the song I would play for my mother, if I could. To tell her I get it, I do. But that growing up doesn’t mean that I don’t still need her. She and I began cautiously speaking again around this time.

16 Baby Mine – Bette Midler
Baby mine don’t you cry
baby mine, dry your eyes
rest your head close to my heart
never to part
baby of mine

This song is dedicated to Autumn Kate, the beautiful little girl that my best friend gave birth to in 2006. It seemed a fitting choice, since it’s from the soundtrack of Beaches, which is the official chick flick of our friendship. Plus, I like to say that Autumn is my baby, as the song so clearly states here.

August
17 The One and Only – Chesney Hawkes
I am the one and only
Nobody I’d rather be
I am the one and only
You can’t take that away from me

An extravagantly cheesy eighties song (weren’t they all? Well, yes, but this one is even more so.) A misunderstanding with a friend led me to question my value and self-worth a little bit, but it was resolved.

September
19 Mission Street – Vienna Teng
And my hands are cold tonight
but the sky is bright with stars
and I’m tearing through the veil that keeps me blind
and it seems
the more I’m wrong
the more that I am right

A song for our trip to San Francisco, a place that fills me with a blissful sort of yearning that this song expresses perfectly.

20 It’s a Small World – Disneyland
There’s so much that we share
that it’s time we’re aware
it’s a small world after all

Oh yes, I went there. This is the song I chose to commemorate the Disneyland portion of our vacation. This courageous choice proves how much I love my friend Kristy, because it was her favorite ride as a child and because our time together reminded me that it is sort of a small world after all. Oklahoma doesn’t feel quite as far away as it did before.

October
21 Feelin’ Good – Nina Simone
Birds flyin’ by you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze drifting on by you know how I feel
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me

The end of the year, much better than the beginning. I defy you to listen to this song and not feel good.

November
22 Thank U – Alanis Morisette
How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

While it’s important to acknowledge the gift of the blessings in our lives, it’s just as important to recognize the gifts that come to us through adversity, the things that scare us or make us miserable. It seems like a fitting way to work toward wrapping up the soundtrack to a fairly difficult year, and also a nice way to remember the Thanksgiving that I shared with my mother. In a very big way that was the moment where everything that I’ve struggled so hard to learn about her and about our relationship came full circle, and we began again. I think. I hope.

December
23 Coconut Skins – Damien Rice
You can brave decisions
Before you crumble up inside
Spend your time asking everyone else’s permission
Then run away and hide
You can sit on chimneys
put some fire up your ass
No need to know what you’re doing or waiting for
But if anyone should ask
Tell them, “I’ve been licking coconut skins,
And we’ve been hanging out.”
Tell them, “God just dropped by to forgive our sins,
And relieve us our doubt.”*
*You know the drill.

To round out the year, a song that’s a little more upbeat than usual from Damien Rice. While I can’t tell you exactly word for word what the lyrics mean, the over-riding message of the song is actually, “things are going to be fine, and you’re good enough as you are, so don’t let anyone tell you differently.” Relax and enjoy. Which is what I’m trying to carry into 2007.

Bonus Track:
Hate Me – Blue October
Hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
hate me in ways
yeah, ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you*
*If you don’t know what the asterisk means by now, you never will.

It seemed fitting, since it was the song of 2006 that wouldn’t go away.

Soundtrack for 2005 can be viewed here.

This is a mix that was meant to be a gift for our eleventh anniversary this past May, but I was a little late. Obviously, these are songs that in one way or another remind me of my husband and our marriage, and how we’ve evolved together. Some of it’s corny, some of it’s funny, some of it’s dirty and some of it’s sad. Which I think is all a part of a good marriage, really. The picture I used on the cover is from our wedding. Yes, that was us.

Life Upon the Wicked Stage – Show Boat
Dungeons & Dragons – The Dead Alewives
I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) – The Proclaimers
Head Over Feet – Alanis Morissette
Love of a Lifetime – Firehouse
Two of a Kind, Working on a Full House – Garth Brooks
Gonna Make You Happy Tonight (the x-box song) – Tripod
Livin’ on a Prayer – Bon Jovi
Ever the Same – Rob Thomas
Everything – Alanis Morissette
Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol
Don’t Change – Marty Casey
Closer – Nine Inch Nails
I Will Follow You Into the Dark – Death Cab for Cutie
The Way – Fastball
Trees – Marty Casey & Lovehammers

I made this mix for my best-friend, who’s expecting a baby at the end of this month.

You’ll Be in my Heart – Phil Collins
Katie – James Marsters
Olive – Falling
Daughters – John Mayer
Sister Kate – Ditty Bops
Baby Mine – Bette Midler
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper
Katie Come True – Son Ambulance
Ribbons Undone – Tori Amos
Part of Your World – Little Mermaid
With Arms Wide Open – Creed
Kate – Ben Folds Five
The Glory of Love – Bette Midler
Wonder – Natalie Merchant
You’ll Be in my Heart (reprise) – Phil Collins

Anyone who knows me well will know that my latest favorite form of self-expression is through CD mixes. I have quite a stack of music to commemorate the years of my life and various important events now, and hopefully it will someday be a fun way for me to look back on portions of my life, or even something of a time capsule for my grandchildren. Assuming they have such antiquated things as CD players.

This is the mix I made for my father, and my on-going struggle to come to terms with his death. As you can imagine, most of the songs are pretty depressing. But also cathartic. The theme is Superman, because that’s who he was, or tried to be.

Superman (It’s Not Easy) – Five for Fighting
Winter – Tori Amos
Mein Herz Brennt – Rammstein
It Don’t Matter to the Sun – Rosie Thomas
Superman – Bush
The Dance – Garth Brooks
Superman’s Dead – Our Lady Peace
Papa, Can You Hear Me? – Barbara Streisand
Waitin’ for a Superman – The Flaming Lips
Cold Water – Damien Rice
Hurt – Johnny Cash