“Do your work for six years; but in the seventh, go into solitude or among strangers, so that the memory of your friends does not hinder you from being what you have become.”
- Leo Szilard

2009 was a time of deep reflection for me, a year of turning inward. My winter blues lasted a very long time, but when I emerged from it I was looking at the seven year anniversary of my Dad’s death, planting flowers and feeling a deeper peace with that loss than I’d ever known. Which was lucky timing, because after a very sunny and enlightening summer with my husband and kids that included an amazing 37th birthday, a new understanding of family, and an even deeper commitment to our radical unschooling path and pursuing a better relationship with my children, my mother died. Beginning the work of coming to terms with that and struggling through those first months of grief took up the rest of the year pretty completely.

January

November Was White, December Was Grey – Say Hi to Your Mom
“Well, someday soon
When the spring brings the sun
I’ll finally sleep, I’ll finally
feel better when the winter’s gone”

Your Ex-Lover is Dead – Stars
“I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say”

February

Après Moi – Regina Spektor
“Fevral dostat chernil i plakat,
Pisat o Fevrale navzryd,
Poka grohochushaya slyakot
Vesnoyu chornoyu gorit.”

From a poem by Boris Pasternak, a rough translation:
“February. Get ink, shed tears.
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing,
While torrential slush that roars
Burns in the blackness of the spring.”

March

Dear Prudence – The Beatles
“Dear Prudence open up your eyes
Dear Prudence see the sunny skies”

April

Daddy’s Gone – Glasvegas
“I won’t be the lonely one
sitting on my own and sad
forget your Da, he’s gone”

The Big Bang Theory – Barenaked Ladies
“Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang!”

May

Fake It – Seether
“And just fake it, if you’re out of direction.
Fake it, if you don’t belong here.”

Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2 – Pink Floyd
“We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it’s just another brick in the wall.”

June

Be OK – Ingrid Michaelson
“Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts”

July

Birthday – The Beatles
“You say it’s your birthday
Well it’s my birthday too, yeah
You say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time”

C is for Cookie – The Cookie Monster
“Cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C.”

August

Bad Things – Jace Everett
“I don’t know what you’ve done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.”

Teeth – Lady Gaga
“The truth is sexy.”

The Flowers – Regina Spektor
“The flowers you gave me are rotting and still I refuse to throw them away.
Some of the bulbs never opened quite fully
They might so I’m waiting and staying awake.
Things I have loved I’m allowed to keep
I’ll never know if I go to sleep.”

September

Mamma Mia – Meryl Streep
“Mamma Mia
Here I go again
My, my, how can I resist ya?”

No Surprises – Radiohead
“No alarms and no surprises,
Silent”

October

Never is a Promise – Fiona Apple
“You’ll say you understand
You’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what
To believe in
You won’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise
And I’ll never need a lie”

Circle of Friends – Edie Brickell
“And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I’m by myself it’s
the best way to be.
When I’m all alone it’s
the best way to be.
When I’m by myself
nobody else can say goodbye.”

November

Why Do They Leave? – Ryan Adams
“Oh, why do they leave?
On the day that you needed them the most”

(Don’t Fear) The Reaper – Alana Davis
“We’ll be able to fly…don’t fear the reaper
Baby I’m your man…
Valentine is done”

December

Breathe Me – Sia
“I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me”

Grey Room – Damien Rice
“Because nothing is lost
It’s just frozen in frost.”

Cover design by Kelly Buchholz. Photographs also by Kelly: spiderweb outside the front door and random house from the window of the car passing by on I-5. Title “Searching for Spock” is a play off of the third Star Trek movie as a celebration of spirituality, science and long term geekdom. “You know I live to be seen through” is a lyric from the song “Here is a Heart” by Jenny Owen Youngs. “Live through this and you won’t look back” is a lyric from the song “Your Ex-Lover is Dead” by Stars.

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